Bukan juai mahai

Bukan juai mahai.

Yes, I am writing this post just to clarify yang aku bukan jual mahal. Bukan juga murah. No. Aku tak jual apa-apa. 

Hati aku belum terubat. Belum dapat nak move on sepenuhnya, walaupun berbuih mulut bagitau kat orang yang aku okey. Aku dah move on.

Banyak kali hati decide nak forgive and forget. Banyak kali jugak hati aku tipu. Aku tak tahu nak percaya hati aku, atau apa. 

Banyak kali aku hampir mengalah dan mengadakan suatu conversation yang super kecil. Dan sebanyak itu hati aku menegah. Ego mengatasi segalanya. 

Kejap. Benarkah itu ego? Ataupun cara untuk aku move on? Aku keliru.

Atau patut aku berlagak seperti tiada perasaan? Berkelakuan seperti semuanya normal belaka. Seolah tiada masalah ataupun jurang antara kami. 

Apa kesudahan semua kekusutan ini?

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Marriage

Marriage.

One of my biggest concerns.

I want to get married. It would be a lie if I said that I don't want to get married.

But.

It's not about who is the spouse. At least for now.

It's about, how prepared I am to get married.

Yes, I can lie saying that I am fully prepared. I am ready to get married. I am ready to take the responsibility to be someone's wife and a mother to my children.

But, again. How prepared am I to say that I am fully prepared?

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There are many married person among my circles. Some of them are really happy with their marriage, some of them are not, some of them are faking their happiness. I want to be happy. I want my marriage to be something that I treasure for the whole of my life. What is the point of faking your happiness just to make others envy, when you are fully aware of the behind-the-scene of your so called happiness?

Sigh.

I am ready to understand my partner more. I am ready to accept his shortcomings. I am ready to open my heart for him to teach me something that is good for our future, I am ready to lowering my ego(s) for the sake of our happiness. I am ready to be responsible for the sake of our family, etc; my thoughts on being fully prepared.

The truth is, I am afraid. I am afraid that I cannot be a good wife and mother. Above all, I am afraid that I will be a nusyuz wife, since I am quite a hot and short-tempered.

Nauzubillah himinzalik.

Rejection

Don’t try to trap us

In the word, love

Because it’s a greed that can’t be filled

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Bukan di’reject’ secara kasar, tapi secara halus. Even though that person tak tahu yang aku suka kat dia since 8 years ago, tapi hakikatnya aku tetap di’reject’.

Sakitnya Tuhan sahaja yang tahu. Air mata seolah tak dapat ditahan-tahan, tapi demi untuk tidak merosakkan pertemuan yang jarang berlaku, aku cuba tahan sehabis boleh.

Bermula daripada soalan seorang teman kepada that person.

“ xaxxx, kau suka perempuan macam mana? Orang Semenanjung ke Borneo ke? “

Aku tak expect si teman akan bertanya soalan tu. Namun, aku tetap berdebar kencang menanti jawapan.

“ Orang Semenanjung “

Over!

It’s over!

Aku kalah sebelum berjuang.

“ Sebab tak payah gaduh nak balik kampung mana nanti. “

Dan…

“ Perempuan tu tinggi 160cm ke atas dengan berat kurang dari 50kg “

“ And of course pakai tudung bawah dada “

Aku terasa seolah di’reject’ berkali-kali.

Peluru terasa bertubi-tubi menembusi hati aku.

Sakitnya.

Pertemuan yang aku nanti-nantikan, yang aku tunggu selama ni akhirnya terjadi, namun after-effect selepas pertemuan sangat tidak aku jangka. Aku terasa kalah.

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Don’t smile at me

If I get attached to you, I’ll get sad

I’m afraid that pretty smile will turn into tears

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Sejujurnya, aku sememangnya tidak menaruh harapan yang tinggi towards that person. Iye lah, 8 years, 8 years kitorang tak berjumpa, bersua muka. And once in a blue moon je komen kat status fb/ig masing-masing.

So, what do you expect?

8 years untuk freely suka dekat sesiapa. Tapi dalam 8 years tu jugak hati aku degil untuk terus suka dekat dia. Dalam 8 years tu jugak aku terus menunggu.

Hingga aku lupa, hati dia bebas untuk suka dekat orang lain. Dan aku terus lupa, dia tak pernah walau sekali memberi harapan dekat aku.

“I will always be a Sarawakian (Borneo). I will always be 155 cm and it will be hard for me to weight below 50 kg. “

Walau sekuat mana pun hati aku suka kat dia, aku takkan pernah dapat memenuhi ciri-ciri perempuan yang dia nak. Aku tahu memang sukar untuk lupakan dia. Seriously aku ada terfikir untuk block fb/ig that person. Tapi, it would be too obvious I guess.

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Let’s not fall in love, we don’t know each other very well yet

Actually, I’m a little scared, I’m sorry

Let’s not make promises, you never know when tomorrow comes

But I really mean it when I say I like you

Don’t expect too much from me

I don’t wanna lose you either

Before things get too deep, before you get hurt

Don’t trust me

Goodbyes after our frequent meet-ups

Repetition of broken hearts

I can’t find a purpose in these foolish feelings

A mistake with the mask of love

All the feelings are the same now

But in this moment, I want you to stay

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Akhirnya, aku tetap di’reject’.

Let's not fall in love.