Marriage

Marriage.

One of my biggest concerns.

I want to get married. It would be a lie if I said that I don't want to get married.

But.

It's not about who is the spouse. At least for now.

It's about, how prepared I am to get married.

Yes, I can lie saying that I am fully prepared. I am ready to get married. I am ready to take the responsibility to be someone's wife and a mother to my children.

But, again. How prepared am I to say that I am fully prepared?

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There are many married person among my circles. Some of them are really happy with their marriage, some of them are not, some of them are faking their happiness. I want to be happy. I want my marriage to be something that I treasure for the whole of my life. What is the point of faking your happiness just to make others envy, when you are fully aware of the behind-the-scene of your so called happiness?

Sigh.

I am ready to understand my partner more. I am ready to accept his shortcomings. I am ready to open my heart for him to teach me something that is good for our future, I am ready to lowering my ego(s) for the sake of our happiness. I am ready to be responsible for the sake of our family, etc; my thoughts on being fully prepared.

The truth is, I am afraid. I am afraid that I cannot be a good wife and mother. Above all, I am afraid that I will be a nusyuz wife, since I am quite a hot and short-tempered.

Nauzubillah himinzalik.

Rejection

Don’t try to trap us

In the word, love

Because it’s a greed that can’t be filled

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Bukan di’reject’ secara kasar, tapi secara halus. Even though that person tak tahu yang aku suka kat dia since 8 years ago, tapi hakikatnya aku tetap di’reject’.

Sakitnya Tuhan sahaja yang tahu. Air mata seolah tak dapat ditahan-tahan, tapi demi untuk tidak merosakkan pertemuan yang jarang berlaku, aku cuba tahan sehabis boleh.

Bermula daripada soalan seorang teman kepada that person.

“ xaxxx, kau suka perempuan macam mana? Orang Semenanjung ke Borneo ke? “

Aku tak expect si teman akan bertanya soalan tu. Namun, aku tetap berdebar kencang menanti jawapan.

“ Orang Semenanjung “

Over!

It’s over!

Aku kalah sebelum berjuang.

“ Sebab tak payah gaduh nak balik kampung mana nanti. “

Dan…

“ Perempuan tu tinggi 160cm ke atas dengan berat kurang dari 50kg “

“ And of course pakai tudung bawah dada “

Aku terasa seolah di’reject’ berkali-kali.

Peluru terasa bertubi-tubi menembusi hati aku.

Sakitnya.

Pertemuan yang aku nanti-nantikan, yang aku tunggu selama ni akhirnya terjadi, namun after-effect selepas pertemuan sangat tidak aku jangka. Aku terasa kalah.

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Don’t smile at me

If I get attached to you, I’ll get sad

I’m afraid that pretty smile will turn into tears

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Sejujurnya, aku sememangnya tidak menaruh harapan yang tinggi towards that person. Iye lah, 8 years, 8 years kitorang tak berjumpa, bersua muka. And once in a blue moon je komen kat status fb/ig masing-masing.

So, what do you expect?

8 years untuk freely suka dekat sesiapa. Tapi dalam 8 years tu jugak hati aku degil untuk terus suka dekat dia. Dalam 8 years tu jugak aku terus menunggu.

Hingga aku lupa, hati dia bebas untuk suka dekat orang lain. Dan aku terus lupa, dia tak pernah walau sekali memberi harapan dekat aku.

“I will always be a Sarawakian (Borneo). I will always be 155 cm and it will be hard for me to weight below 50 kg. “

Walau sekuat mana pun hati aku suka kat dia, aku takkan pernah dapat memenuhi ciri-ciri perempuan yang dia nak. Aku tahu memang sukar untuk lupakan dia. Seriously aku ada terfikir untuk block fb/ig that person. Tapi, it would be too obvious I guess.

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Let’s not fall in love, we don’t know each other very well yet

Actually, I’m a little scared, I’m sorry

Let’s not make promises, you never know when tomorrow comes

But I really mean it when I say I like you

Don’t expect too much from me

I don’t wanna lose you either

Before things get too deep, before you get hurt

Don’t trust me

Goodbyes after our frequent meet-ups

Repetition of broken hearts

I can’t find a purpose in these foolish feelings

A mistake with the mask of love

All the feelings are the same now

But in this moment, I want you to stay

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Akhirnya, aku tetap di’reject’.

Let's not fall in love.

13-09-2015

So, here we are. Our very first outdoor activity for this season. I am very excited to be honest. It’s been a very long time since I’ve join such outdoor activity. Okay, where do I start?

We gathered together at Bombay Spice at Batu Kawa (since the location is easy for people to find) while waiting for friends from Team Serian and Team Samarahan to come. We departed to Sumiran Eco Camp roughly at 9am. The place actually is not too far from Bombay Spice, but since it is located deep in the village, so you’ll need someone to show you the path to the camp (especially for first comer). Well, just having us together makes me feel happy. You know, that feeling when you are together with your friends to do some activity.

The team leaders then briefed us a little bit about our activity. There are two main activities for today; jungle tracking (compulsory) and flying fox (optional).

And of course I have to try both! I’ve been dreaming for so long to have a chance to try flying fox. Okay, will continue on flying fox later.

Our first activity: Jungle tracking (bonus: obstacles) (RM10/person)

There are like 10 or more obstacles along the jungle tracking. Our stamina and teamwork are two important elements to complete this. Stamina; because it’s an uphill and downhill challenges. Teamwork; because some of the obstacles really need your full concentration and help from your teammates. You cannot do it yourself for some obstacles. You’ll need to work as a team to complete it. Oh before I forgot, we have 7 people in a group, where each group will have one or two men and the rest will be women. My group consist of 6 women and 1 man. This activity went for more than one hour.

Second activity: Flying fox (RM10/person for once)

This is an optional activity. But I’ll never miss this opportunity. And, flying fox at Sumiran Eco Camp is one of the longest flying fox in Borneo. So, I definitely have to try this!

Since my group finished the first activity early (second group to complete all the obstacles), so we can go for the flying fox first. I have an acrophobia, so I expect myself to scream all the way from the beginning until the end. But. But. But. I did not scream, nor did I close my eyes. My eyes were wide opened looking for the amazing, beautiful, and stunning view in front of my eyes. Subhanallah. It is really beautiful. The view of the place itself is beautiful. But the view from above is much more beautiful. I would really recommend people to go try flying fox and look for this amazing view yourself. You will never regret it.

After completed both activities and changes the dirty cloth into a clean one, it’s finally time to bid farewell to the beautiful nature at Sumiran Eco Camp. I’ll come again one fine day. In sha Allah.

So, that’s wrap for today’s activities. I am fully satisfied with our first outdoor activity. It’s such a great experience for me.

I am super excited for next week. What kind of adventure would we go through for next week activity? Hmmmm.

12-09-2015

Okay today is the first day of second week. To be honest, I feel guilty for the past whole week. Why I said so? Because even though I take care of my diet and controlled my food intake, but I have not work out. Not even once. Okay never mind. The past is in the past. Let it go, let it go.

So today, I came early at Level Up Fitness (LUF), a gym where we do our weekly activities. Since the activity started at 2pm, so I basically have one hour to play some equipment’s at LUF. I decided to play bicycle (sorry I don’t know the exact name of this equipment). I worked out for roughly half an hour, and then I stopped as my leg has loss all its energy to turn the pedal. Such a low stamina I have.

Its 2pm, and we started our activities with some exercises. Squats (a must do workout) and jumping high knee, and oh yes, sprinting at one place. 3 simple exercise, but managed to make us all sweaty. And that’s only the beginning.

Today’s main activities is about strength and cardio. We have been divided into two groups, one will do strength activity and the other group will start with cardio activity. It’s a 30, 10 work up. 30 seconds workout, 10 seconds rest. Trust me, 30 seconds workout during that time is like 30 minutes and 10 seconds finished in a blink of eyes. Each group then divided into 5 small group with 5 different strength/cardio activity. And, each activity has four session, 4 sets of 30, 10. We take turns to do all the strength and cardio activities.

Strength activities:

Most of the activities are about weightlifting and squats.

Cardio activities:

First: Squats (while you climbed on a bench and goes down – repeat for 30 sec)

Second: Jumping jack

Third: Almost the same as squats (but for this one, one of your leg will be on the bench, and another on the floor. Repeat for both leg)

Fourth: Jumping high knee

Fifth: Plank

The workout is for one hour non-stop, and most of us feels like dying. *crying*

But the best part is, this time it did not cause much pain compared to last week. Last week, I take 3 whole days to fully recover from the muscle pain.

Okay guys, tomorrow we’ll have our first outdoor activity. We’ll go to Sumiran Eco Park for our next challenge. I am super excited because I finally get to try flying fox tomorrow yay!

Will update on our outdoor activity soon. Till then.

05-09-2015

Today is the first day of the program. Nervous, takut, gembira, tak sabar, bersemangat semua bercampur baur. Serius cakap. Well, the first session is kick-off event, so semestinya ambil berat permulaan dahulu. My initial weigh-in is 74.4 kg. Yes, untuk saya yang tak berapa nak tinggi ni, itu memang suatu angka yang menggerunkan. Cukup menggambarkan keadaan fizikal saya yang emmmm tau-tau lah macam mana.

Hari ini bermula dengan sesi berkenalan dengan team leader (TL) ataupun kitorang panggil coach dan semua ahli kumpulan. Sesi yang santai dan relaks. Then, here we come dengan exercise yang kekononnya untuk warm up. We do the squats, push up, jumping jack, and few other workout yang yes, supposedly easy to do, but yet it is really a difficult one for me. Saya almost pitam in the middle of the session until saya terpaksa duduk tepi for about 10-15 minutes. Bila lama dah tak buat strict workout memang inilah hasilnya. Selama ni buat exercise ala-ala manja. Bila rasa penat sikit, dah berehat, dah berhenti. So, bila kali ni coach push us to our maximum limit, memang collapse la rasanya. Semput.

Tapi definitely worth the try. Kalau tak, sampai bila nak start workout dengan betul kan. And today jugak before end of the session, coach ajar how to calculate the calories intake per day, how much calories should each person consume (every person need different number of calories intake per day, and also depending on our activity level on that day) and other things related to diet.

Weight loss = 70% diet + 30% workout;

So, you have to control both your diet and workout.

I really can’t wait for our next session. As what our coach said, this week aktiviti kita hanya pada hari Sabtu and semua wajib turun hari Sabtu. Ahad is optional, but I definitely won’t miss the opportunity untuk workout ramai-ramai. Tapi aktiviti hari Ahad hanya akan bermula pada minggu depan. Btw, coach gtau nak bagi homework nanti. Kitorang semua pun tengah tunggu homework apa yang coach akan bagi. *dugeun dugeun*

Saya akan update aktiviti kitorang next week.

My Six Weeks Journey of Losing Weight

Hello. Saya Faralyna Aisyah, seorang wanita yang sememangnya berbadan besar sejak kecil. Saya dahulunya seorang jurutera elektrik di sebuah syarikat consultant, namun telah berhenti kerja dan sekarang sedang menyambung pengajian di Unimas. Tekanan sewaktu belajar dan kerja sememangnya membuatkan saya seorang yang kuat makan dan kepenatan serta keletihan setelah bekerja dan menghadiri kuliah sepanjang hari menjadi alasan utama saya kurang/tidak bersenam.

Niat untuk mengurangkan berat badan di samping mengamalkan gaya hidup yang sihat telah bermula sejak saya di Tingkatan 1 lagi. Pada ketika itu, berat saya di dalam lingkungan 65 kg dan berketinggian lebih kurang 150 cm. Namun, harapan tinggal harapan. Setiap kali keluarga saya bertanyakan tentang keazaman dan janji saya untuk kurus, saya dengan selambanya menjawab, tunggulah hujung tahun. Hujung tahun telah 13 kali tiba sejak kali pertama saya mengutarakan niat untuk kurus. Namun, berat saya semakin bertambah tahun demi tahun tanpa saya sedari, sehinggalah ianya mencecah 81.2 kg pada awal Oktober 2014, berat saya yang paling berat selama 26 tahun saya hidup. Saya tergamam. Dengan ketinggian terkini 155cm, saya dikategorikan sebagai Obes Tahap 1 (BMI : 33.8)

Perasaan takut mula menyelubungi hati saya, ditambah dengan kesakitan di lutut semenjak saya jatuh menyebabkan saya risau dengan pergerakan fizikal saya. Saya mula mencari jenis diet yang saya boleh ikuti, dan saya terjumpa Kelab Diet Atkin di Facebook. Saya membuat sedikit kajian berkenaan Diet Atkin, dan mula membuat diet ini bermula awal November 2014. Perjalanan diet saya sedikit lambat kerana terlalu banyak cheat day (boleh diakatakn pada setiap dua hari). Berat saya pada hari terakhir puasa pada 16 Julai lalu ialah 69.6 kg, bermakna saya telah berjaya turun 11.6 kg. Tetapi bermula pada hari pertama raya sehingga kini, saya telah melupakan diet Atkin (kononnya untuk seketika sahaja), namun malangnya sehingga ke saat post ini ditulis (4 September 2015), saya masih tidak berjaya untuk memulakan semula diet Atkin tersebut.

Saya kembali risau, apatah lagi melihat angka pertama berat saya telah kembali ke angka 7. Berat terkini saya adalah 74.6 kg (naik 5 kg OMG!). Saya kembali mencari diet dan senaman yang boleh saya ikuti tanpa strict diet dan schedule.

Dan di sinilah saya terjumpa cabaran Jom Kurus Musim ke-5 Kevin Zahri. Sebenarnya, saya telah mengetahui tentang wujudnya cabaran ini, namun sebelum ini tidak berpeluang untuk mendaftar dan mengikuti cabaran ini (ada masanya cabaran ini telah bermula, ada masanya saya terlalu sibuk dengan pengajian). Alhamdulillah, pada musim ini saya berpeluang mengikuti cabaran Jom Kurus ini untuk kawasan Kuching, Sarawak.

Dan esok, 5 September 2015 akan bermulalah cabaran Jom Kurus untuk musim ini. Semoga dengan bimbingan coach Nazim Bujang dan rakan-rakan yang sama-sama menyertai cabaran ini serta sokongan padu daripada keluarga tersayang, saya akan berjaya mengharungi cabaran 6 minggu ini dengan penuh kesabaran, keseronokan dan istiqamah. In sha Allah.

Okay, saya akan update aktiviti yang kami lakukan pada setiap minggu bermula pada esok hari. Nantikan. JJ

Kejadian suatu petang

Pernah tak bila kau buat salah, kau punyalah beria-ia rancang something untuk tutup salah kau? 

Ataupun, beria-ia buat muka paling innocent seolah-olah kau tak buat salah.

Tapi...

Debaran dalam hati kau bagai nak rak. Tuhan je yang tahu.

Dan bila ditanya, secara automatik kau terus bagitahu semuanya. Tanpa tertinggal sikit pun. 

Yess!

Aku baru mengalami semua yang aku nyatakan di atas.

Ceritanya macam ni.

Aku pergi hantar adik perempuan aku balik ke asrama menggunakan kereta ayah aku. Elok je sampai ke asrama dengan selamat, Alhamdulillah.

Namun sangat benar, malang tidak berbau.

Masa nak balik, aku tak perasan ada divider di tepi kereta, dan aku dengan hati yang gembira dan penuh yakin terus membelok kereta tanpa bergerak ke hadapan sedikit (untuk mengelak divider. yelah aku kan TAK PERASAN).

Tetiba, gedek gedek. Bunyi pelik muncul. Adik bongsu yang ikut sekali siap jerit 

" Kak. Kakk. Kakkk. " 

dengan harakat yang semakin bertambah. Kerana cuak, aku terus tekan minyak dan mengakibatkan bunyi gedek gedek semakin kuat. Memang terasa lah yang kereta ternaik sedikit, kan dah langgar divider plus tayar pun naik sekali kat divider.

Hati dah berdebar-debar. Penat fikir apa alasan nak bagi kat ayah. Sepanjang perjalanan, macam - macam idea berputar dalam kepala. Siap ugut si bongsu supaya tak bagitahu apa-apa kat sesiapa pun, termasuklah tuan punya kereta. 

Lagi 50 meter nak sampai ke rumah, aku siap berhentikan kereta kat tepi jalan untuk memeriksa kereta. Fuhhh legaaaa. Tak nampak sebarang kesan calar mahupunn kemik sebab bahagian yang tercalar (teruk) dekat bawah kereta. 

So,bila dah sampai ke rumah. Dah nak masuk ke rumah dengan selamat.Walaupun muka memang terserlah kecuakan. Tetiba, 

" Kenapa ni? "

Aku sengih. Ayah ulang lagi.

" Ada apa-apa terjadi ke? "

Mulut tanpa sebarang amaran terus membocorkan segala yang telah terjadi. Dengan lengkap tanpa tertinggal apa-apa sekalipun. 

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Kena bebel. Macam yang telah aku jangkakan.

Okay fine. Memang aku yang salah. Over confident. Haih.

Serik rasa nak bawa kereta orang lain. Lepas ni bawa Cik Viva je lah.

Coretan hati

Sebenarnya, hati sangat cemburu melihat kengkawan yang telah menemui pasangan mereka, yang telah melangsungkan perkahwinan, yang telah mendirikan masjid dan yang bakal membina masjid mereka.

Sebenarnya, hati sangat cemburu melihat kengkawan sebaya yang telah mempunyai anak-anak yang comel, bakal anak-anak soleh dan solehah.

Hati. Biasalah. Tidak pernah berhenti mencemburui orang lain, namun dalam masa yang sama berasa gembira dengan kebahagiaan kawan-kawan. Normal atau tidak perasaan itu?

Seringkali diri ditanyakan soalan yang membuat lidah terkelu. Paling kurang, tersenyum saja. 

" Si A dah kahwin, awak bila lagi? "

" Bila nak kenalkan bakal suami? "

Mahu je aku menjawab,

" Mind your own business. "

Namun, kasar bunyinya. Maka, terbitlah jawapan klise sebegini.

" Belum  ada jodoh lagi. Nantilah kalau dah jumpa, in sha Allah adalah jemputannya nanti. "

Klise. Memang klise sangat.

Haru.

Bukan tiada yang dikenan, namun yang dikenan itu terasa jauh dari gapaian. Kalau ikutkan hati, mahu je aku yang pergi meminang. Walau tidak salah di sisi agama, namun adat masyarakat pula yang membataskan. Tersilap langkah, mahu menjadi buah mulut beberapa bulan. Atau bertahun. Atau selamanya.

Mulut manusia.

Toksah dok cakap pasal hint. Penat dah rasanya bagi hint. Tapi, yang dikenan seorang yang sukar untuk menangkap apa yang sedang berlaku. Maka, segala hint menjadi sia-sia.

Biarlah. Kalau ada jodoh, in sha Allah takkan ke mana. Biar seorang di utara seorang di selatan, kalau ada jodoh pasti akan bertemu dan bersatu.

Sekarang, biarlah fokus pada apa yang ada. Pada keluarga, pada kerja, pada diri sendiri.

Mungkin ada hikmahnya ALLAH S.W.T. biarkan aku sendiri buat masa sekarang.

Yakin pada ALLAH S.W.T. dan perancanganNYA.

13-01-2015 : Perginya tak kembali lagi

Perginya tak kembali lagi..

13 January 2015 (22 Rabiulawal 1436),

That morning around 10.10 am, I got a shocking news from Mom, saying my grandfather has passed away. She asked me to straight away balik kampung while she and my Dad will be going back in a different car ( cause my place is closer to my kampung and I'm driving).

Along the way to kampung, I just couldn't stop thinking about my grandfather.

' when is the last time I saw him '
' what good deed (s) have I done to him throughout his life '
' I didn't get to say I love you to him '

And the list goes on. 

It's raining and I couldn't focus on my driving but luckily nothing bad happened.

That one thing that I regretted the most which is until now I just can't stop thinking about it is when my grandfather asked me to save his phone number in my phone, and to call him every day to make sure he is doing fine. But, I didn't save his number. And I didn't call him everyday as he wish, due to so many reasons and excuses.

It is so heartbreaking that nobody was around when he took his last breath. Not even a family, friends or neighbors. 

It's been a week since he left us.

And it is still hard to believe that he is gone.


All I can do now is always pray for all his good deeds, all his sedekah jariah will all be accepted by ALLAH S.W.T.. Aaminn.


Al - Fatihah.