25-04-2016

Hari ini terlampau beremosi. Pantang salah sedikit, mulalah nak membebel. Membebel tak henti dekat adik-adik, sampaikan mak ayah cop aku sebagai mak tiri.

Ya, kalau hendak ikutkan emosi, sudah pasti tercipta suatu entri meluahkan perasaan terhadap seseorang. Namun, bila difikirkan rasionalisinya tindakan, aku seumpama kanak-kanak yang tidak diberi perhatian yang secukupnya. Dan cemburu melihat perhatian yang diberikan kepada kanak-kanak lain. Entahlah sama ada antalogi aku betul atau tidak.

Di saat entri ini dikarang, berlalu sudah hari jadi seorang insan yang aku kenali. Aku rasa seperti sudah melakukan tanggungjawab sebagai seorang sahabat dengan mengucapkan selamat hari jadi kepadanya. Biarpun, melalui entri yang samar-samar maksudnya. Harapanku, semoga dia mengetahui bahawa entri itu ditujukan untuknya. 

Hati aku sedikit terbeban. Fikiranku juga bekerja keras memikirkan sesuatu yang aku sendiri tidak pasti. Aku sendiri keliru dengan diri aku. Apa yang aku fikirkan, apa yang menyesakkan dadaku. Semuanya kelihatan samar. Pudar. Kelabu.

Aku rindukan kehidupan masa kecilku, di mana aku tidak perlu runsing memikirkan perihal masalah dunia yang semakin memeningkan kepala.

Sungguh aku rindu.

05-03-2016

140 days.

I met him again. Honestly, I thought I would crumble to the very bits of me. Meeting him again while I'm still struggling to move on, not fully healing from the past rejection is sure a hard thing to do.

I sat in front of him, twice. I tried hard to minimize meeting his eyes. I keep on talking to the person sit next to me, just to avoid the awkwardness surrounding us.

They say I am cool. They say I am strong. On the outer appearance, I may seems strong and cool. But deep down in my heart, Allah knows well how I feel.

One thing for sure. The more I see him, I fall deeper for him.

12-02-2016

Hello, it's me. Perasan suara sedap cam Adele jap.

Actually, hati tak tenang. It feels uneasy, most of the time. Restless. 

10 years ago (2006), when I am preparing for my SPM examination, I thought it was the hardest time in my life. I'm afraid of so many things. I thought I was going crazy while memorizing all those notes and formulas, trying to understand all steps in solving additional mathematics problem and going to countless additional classes for all subjects that I'm weak at.

A year after (2007), during my first semester of Foundation of Engineering Technology (FET), when I have a hard time to catch up my studies especially for Chemistry and Mathematics, and I only manage to score 2.06/4.00 for my GPA that semester, I thought of giving up. It was hard. Harder than broken heart. But I survived and continue the next semester joyfully. The third semester where we have to undergo a practical for 10 weeks at UniKL campus that we have chosen according to our interest, that's the best time I've ever had as a matrix student. Well, I remember the first month I went to Kolej MARA Kulim. I cried a lot, every single day, calling my mom saying I want to go back home. That I couldn't go with the matrix life. It has become a bittersweet memories now. :)

And again, a year after (2008) when I had enrolled to UniKL BMI, I once again losing myself and only managed to get 2.56/4.00 while my friends is getting such a good results for our first semester. I feel lost. But I didn't give up as my friends are very supportive. I went through 4 years of study as a degree student very well, with the support from friends and family. And I managed to obtain CGPA above 3.00 when I thought Engineering course is super difficult. Alhamdulillah, thank you ALLAH for such wonderful friends YOU gave me.

4 years later (2012), I graduated from UniKL BMI and enrolled to UTM for my Master degree. I couldn't believe myself. It was a hard decision at first, as I got 2 offers from local universities; UTM for MEng and UNITAR for MBA. I went to UTM knowing nobody except for my roommate, Daos, whom happened to be my friend during secondary school. Thanks to her, I am well adapt to the environment. And thanks to my classmates especially Amalina, Eya and Pian whom never give up on me, teaching me when I'm lost, encourage me to do better. I graduated from UTM after 1.5 years struggling with the advanced knowledge of engineering.

And now, as I write this post (2016), I'm still struggling with my life. Well, it never get easier anyway. Struggling to make a life, struggling to please others, struggling with inner self, struggling to get new knowledge, you name it. I experienced it all. Well, most of them. I used to think that whenever I faced any problems in my life, that was the hardest time in my life. Ever since my SPM, foundation, degree, master degree, work. I always say the same thing. IT IS THE HARDEST TIME IN MY LIFE. 

After the long post here, the thing that I wanted to point up is, yes, sometimes you might sit down alone, thinking why it is so difficult for you to go through things at that time. You might think it is the hardest time of your life. Well dear, you still have a long journey ahead. You never know what future may brings you.  It could be harder that today, or it could be easier than today. Who knows. The thing is, whatever you go through right now, never give up. Brace yourself and go through it confidently. Enjoy your days, so you can have a good memories later. 

And I'm going to enjoy mine too! :)