Marriage

Marriage.

One of my biggest concerns.

I want to get married. It would be a lie if I said that I don't want to get married.

But.

It's not about who is the spouse. At least for now.

It's about, how prepared I am to get married.

Yes, I can lie saying that I am fully prepared. I am ready to get married. I am ready to take the responsibility to be someone's wife and a mother to my children.

But, again. How prepared am I to say that I am fully prepared?

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There are many married person among my circles. Some of them are really happy with their marriage, some of them are not, some of them are faking their happiness. I want to be happy. I want my marriage to be something that I treasure for the whole of my life. What is the point of faking your happiness just to make others envy, when you are fully aware of the behind-the-scene of your so called happiness?

Sigh.

I am ready to understand my partner more. I am ready to accept his shortcomings. I am ready to open my heart for him to teach me something that is good for our future, I am ready to lowering my ego(s) for the sake of our happiness. I am ready to be responsible for the sake of our family, etc; my thoughts on being fully prepared.

The truth is, I am afraid. I am afraid that I cannot be a good wife and mother. Above all, I am afraid that I will be a nusyuz wife, since I am quite a hot and short-tempered.

Nauzubillah himinzalik.

Rejection

Don’t try to trap us

In the word, love

Because it’s a greed that can’t be filled

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Bukan di’reject’ secara kasar, tapi secara halus. Even though that person tak tahu yang aku suka kat dia since 8 years ago, tapi hakikatnya aku tetap di’reject’.

Sakitnya Tuhan sahaja yang tahu. Air mata seolah tak dapat ditahan-tahan, tapi demi untuk tidak merosakkan pertemuan yang jarang berlaku, aku cuba tahan sehabis boleh.

Bermula daripada soalan seorang teman kepada that person.

“ xaxxx, kau suka perempuan macam mana? Orang Semenanjung ke Borneo ke? “

Aku tak expect si teman akan bertanya soalan tu. Namun, aku tetap berdebar kencang menanti jawapan.

“ Orang Semenanjung “

Over!

It’s over!

Aku kalah sebelum berjuang.

“ Sebab tak payah gaduh nak balik kampung mana nanti. “

Dan…

“ Perempuan tu tinggi 160cm ke atas dengan berat kurang dari 50kg “

“ And of course pakai tudung bawah dada “

Aku terasa seolah di’reject’ berkali-kali.

Peluru terasa bertubi-tubi menembusi hati aku.

Sakitnya.

Pertemuan yang aku nanti-nantikan, yang aku tunggu selama ni akhirnya terjadi, namun after-effect selepas pertemuan sangat tidak aku jangka. Aku terasa kalah.

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Don’t smile at me

If I get attached to you, I’ll get sad

I’m afraid that pretty smile will turn into tears

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Sejujurnya, aku sememangnya tidak menaruh harapan yang tinggi towards that person. Iye lah, 8 years, 8 years kitorang tak berjumpa, bersua muka. And once in a blue moon je komen kat status fb/ig masing-masing.

So, what do you expect?

8 years untuk freely suka dekat sesiapa. Tapi dalam 8 years tu jugak hati aku degil untuk terus suka dekat dia. Dalam 8 years tu jugak aku terus menunggu.

Hingga aku lupa, hati dia bebas untuk suka dekat orang lain. Dan aku terus lupa, dia tak pernah walau sekali memberi harapan dekat aku.

“I will always be a Sarawakian (Borneo). I will always be 155 cm and it will be hard for me to weight below 50 kg. “

Walau sekuat mana pun hati aku suka kat dia, aku takkan pernah dapat memenuhi ciri-ciri perempuan yang dia nak. Aku tahu memang sukar untuk lupakan dia. Seriously aku ada terfikir untuk block fb/ig that person. Tapi, it would be too obvious I guess.

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Let’s not fall in love, we don’t know each other very well yet

Actually, I’m a little scared, I’m sorry

Let’s not make promises, you never know when tomorrow comes

But I really mean it when I say I like you

Don’t expect too much from me

I don’t wanna lose you either

Before things get too deep, before you get hurt

Don’t trust me

Goodbyes after our frequent meet-ups

Repetition of broken hearts

I can’t find a purpose in these foolish feelings

A mistake with the mask of love

All the feelings are the same now

But in this moment, I want you to stay

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Akhirnya, aku tetap di’reject’.

Let's not fall in love.

13-09-2015

So, here we are. Our very first outdoor activity for this season. I am very excited to be honest. It’s been a very long time since I’ve join such outdoor activity. Okay, where do I start?

We gathered together at Bombay Spice at Batu Kawa (since the location is easy for people to find) while waiting for friends from Team Serian and Team Samarahan to come. We departed to Sumiran Eco Camp roughly at 9am. The place actually is not too far from Bombay Spice, but since it is located deep in the village, so you’ll need someone to show you the path to the camp (especially for first comer). Well, just having us together makes me feel happy. You know, that feeling when you are together with your friends to do some activity.

The team leaders then briefed us a little bit about our activity. There are two main activities for today; jungle tracking (compulsory) and flying fox (optional).

And of course I have to try both! I’ve been dreaming for so long to have a chance to try flying fox. Okay, will continue on flying fox later.

Our first activity: Jungle tracking (bonus: obstacles) (RM10/person)

There are like 10 or more obstacles along the jungle tracking. Our stamina and teamwork are two important elements to complete this. Stamina; because it’s an uphill and downhill challenges. Teamwork; because some of the obstacles really need your full concentration and help from your teammates. You cannot do it yourself for some obstacles. You’ll need to work as a team to complete it. Oh before I forgot, we have 7 people in a group, where each group will have one or two men and the rest will be women. My group consist of 6 women and 1 man. This activity went for more than one hour.

Second activity: Flying fox (RM10/person for once)

This is an optional activity. But I’ll never miss this opportunity. And, flying fox at Sumiran Eco Camp is one of the longest flying fox in Borneo. So, I definitely have to try this!

Since my group finished the first activity early (second group to complete all the obstacles), so we can go for the flying fox first. I have an acrophobia, so I expect myself to scream all the way from the beginning until the end. But. But. But. I did not scream, nor did I close my eyes. My eyes were wide opened looking for the amazing, beautiful, and stunning view in front of my eyes. Subhanallah. It is really beautiful. The view of the place itself is beautiful. But the view from above is much more beautiful. I would really recommend people to go try flying fox and look for this amazing view yourself. You will never regret it.

After completed both activities and changes the dirty cloth into a clean one, it’s finally time to bid farewell to the beautiful nature at Sumiran Eco Camp. I’ll come again one fine day. In sha Allah.

So, that’s wrap for today’s activities. I am fully satisfied with our first outdoor activity. It’s such a great experience for me.

I am super excited for next week. What kind of adventure would we go through for next week activity? Hmmmm.